Self-Care is Selfish: True or False?
I work with a lot of selfless healers who make a virtue to give to others first. Many of them struggle to charge, especially when clients say they can’t afford their services. They give a lot to their families too. Giving is like breathing to them.
Unfortunately, they end up feeling exhausted and burnt out from over-giving. They put everyone else’s needs first and become the bottom of their own priority list.
Making themselves a priority in their own lives feels *selfish*.
I’ve certainly been there. I grew up with a grandmother who glorified martyrdom and till the day she died, she proudly said that she hadn’t lived a day for herself. I used to joke and say ‘Come on then, get on with it before it’s too late!’ All jokes aside, at some subconscious level, I learnt to act like her out of respect and solidarity.
In my personal experience, this pattern of looking after everyone else is a survival strategy. Growing up in a volatile environment, I quickly realised that if other people were OK, then I was OK. So it became my go to in all my relationships. I was making other people happy so that *I felt safe*.
Taking care of other people’s needs at my own expense may have looked selfless, but in truth, I was selfish: in doing things for others, my intention was to have my own peace of mind.
Your survival strategy of looking after others was essential at some point in your life, but now you are strong enough to choose differently.
The next time you think that doing something for you is selfish, think again.
When you take care of your own needs first, you’re more resourced to be there for others (there’s only so much you can give from an empty cup). You don’t get entangled with others to feel connected and safe. It’s like putting your own oxygen mask first.
If this is hard for you, please be gentle with yourself. After all, self-care requires you to know what you need, ask for it and be comfortable receiving it. You also need to set clear boundaries and say ‘no’ when necessary, without fear of confrontation or pushback.
For some of us, this is a tall order. It requires rewiring your whole nervous system, releasing some ancestral patterns and taking consistent action of showing up for yourself.
This is why I have created the Healing Room. Consider it your spiritual maintenance. It’s a six month container with monthly EFT to calm down your nervous system and release limiting beliefs, five week Good Enough course so that you don’t overcompensate out of feeling of inadequacy and a library of my past classes with some ancestral healing.
It’s time to fill your own cup. The Healing Room will help you to nurture yourself, so that you can give from an overflow.
Join me now: www.gularavincent.co.uk/thehealingroom
P.S. I’m offering a free EFT (tapping) call on 24 April on healing burnout. Since you’re on my mailing list, you’ll get the zoom link on the day, but if you have friends who could benefit from this experience, please pass on this link: https://gulara-vincent.mykajabi.com/energy-detox I’m grateful for your support.