On fear of rejection
I want to tell you a few stories today to show why fear of rejection is so sneaky.
My first story is to do with my grandmother, who brought me up as her own. She was a strong and wilful woman who always had her way. If she said 'no' to my request, there was no easy ways of changing her mind.
Well, I guess, even as a young child, I didn't like taking 'no' for an answer.
So I learnt what to do and what to say in order for my grandmother to say 'yes' to my requests, even if it meant saying half-truths and having a poker face. Believe me, it wasn't an easy task, but I perfected the art of getting my way with her. I know, I know, it was rather manipulative, not my proudest moment in life, but that's just a start of the story.
I grew up, left home, but the pattern remained. Even when I could have asked for what I wanted, deep down I expected people to say 'no' and therefore, resorted to the same strategies of getting a 'yes' in roundabout ways. It was exhausting and never felt 'clean'.
I realise now that if you're expecting people to say 'no' to you, chances are they would deliver on your expectation. I was so afraid of my grandmother's 'no', I did not entertain a possibility of her willingly saying 'yes'.
When you look at life through the prism of rejection, you can find evidence everywhere.
About 14 years ago, I went to my first five rhythms dance class, where I met a gorgeous young man. He was a yoga instructor, with a beautiful body and a soft smile. I fancied him a lot. But my fear of rejection said that he was too good for me, that there was no way he would pay me any attention, that I stood no chance...
I don't know about you, but sometimes, I'd rather be right than happy.
He was friendly but didn't take any interest in me as a woman. My inner critic was gleeful. I tormented myself for a whole year before I found out that he wasn't interested in women at all...
Here's the most painful aspect of fear of rejection: You reject yourself before other people can inflict that pain on you. It's like if I abandon and betray myself first, it won't hurt as much when other people do it to me. It's not true of course. It still hurts like hell when you feel rejected (twice over - by yourself and others). Still, it can become a survival strategy, some sort of self-defence.
I learnt that strategy very early in life.
One of the stories I was brought up on by my grandmother was this: when I was born, my father stood over my crib and cursed me for being a girl. That story became a part of my identity: if my own father were to reject me, I didn't stand a chance with any other man.
So while I worked on my present day relationships (and that work helped to an extent), it wasn't until I healed that core wounding that the fear of rejection started to ease off. I still experience it. It's very human, isn't it?
But it no longer dictates my choices.
Your fear of rejection may be rooted in the circumstances which were beyond your knowledge or control: your ancestral and family line. When you heal that fear at that core level, it can finally loosen it's grip.
P.S. If any of these stories resonate with you, book your free consultation here. https://gulara.as.me/30min. I'd love to help you heal your fear of rejection at that core level.
With all my love
Gulara