What happens when you don’t feel that you’re enough as you are?

When you’re a little baby, you don’t have a sense of not being enough. There’s being-ness there that presumes enough-ness. The baby does not need to earn their food or love. They expect that it’ll be provided and if not, they let you know their discontent.

But as you grow, you get to learn that somehow who you are is not enough. Perhaps, you’re told you’re not smart enough, loveable enough, slim enough, fit enough, helpful enough – it can be a long list.

People don’t need to explicitly tell you that, but if you feel a disconnect with one of your parents, it can create a deep wounding. To make sense of the parent’s behaviour, the child can often blame herself: there must be something wrong with me that I don’t get my mum’s love. To blame her mum at a young age may be unthinkable, because your well-being depends on your parent being functional. So the tendency is to blame within.

You then grow up, and every time someone touches on this deep original wound, you flinch and try to avoid feeling that old pain.

There’re four ways in which people react:

1.     Blaming out: it’s my partner’s fault that they don’t love me as I am.

2.     Blaming in: it’s my fault. I’m broken beyond repair and no one can love me.

3.     Avoidance: it’s not that bad, you know. At least, I have a partner and I’m not alone.

4.     Withdrawal: shut down, fatigue, feeling lost and disassociated.

All these behaviours create their own painful experiences, but in some ways a part of you thinks that they’re preferable to feeling that original wound.

I’m running a FREE 5-day challenge on 9-13 June called ‘Good Enough’. Join me live to explore these four ways of reactivity in more detail.

P.S. If you’re ready to dive in at the deep end, join my 3-hour masterclass on ‘Already Enough’, where you’ll have an opportunity to heal your relationship with the part of you that does not feel good enough.