How Do You Know if Your Relationship Ran Its Course?
I knew the exact day when my marriage was over. It wasn’t a lightbulb moment or a big aha. It was a quiet knowing that for all its goodness, the relationship was over.
That was 11 January 2017. My husband moved out of our family home on 14 November 2018. Yes, it took us nearly two years to take that step. It wasn’t an easy decision. There’s deep knowing and then there’s practical life of juggling two young kids and going through the stress of separating finances and finding new homes. Not easy at all... And above all, not convenient.
Every relationship always has something to teach you about yourself. What do I mean by that? Well, there’s probably a behaviour that drives you mad and pushes all your buttons.
Let’s explore this in more detail. Let’s say your partner drinks too much. What is this situation teaching you?
Perhaps you need to learn to stand your ground, know your values, set clear boundaries. That’s a starting point.
There also may be some echoes from your past. Perhaps your dad enjoyed his drink, so every time your partner indulges, it makes you feel nervous that he might overdo it or get aggressive like your dad did. So some childhood issues may need to be healed. Maybe you have serious concerns about your partner’s health. Was there a theme of people dying young in your family and his drinking makes you feel anxious and upset.
There can be so many threads stemming from one behaviour.
Let’s say that you’ve explored and healed the themes that are coming up for you as a result of his behaviour. Your attitude to his drinking may relax completely. Now that you’re not driven by your fear for his health or desire to fix him, you might take a step back. Sometimes, when you stop pushing your partner, they may also relax and alter their behaviour, because they have their own side of that story (that you nag them, constantly criticize them for their behaviour, they may feel shame or anger and not good enough). But despite the shift, fundamentally, his stuff is unresolved. He’s still struggling with his childhood trauma, but doesn’t have courage to face it head on, so instead chooses to numb down with alcohol. You know that things won’t change anytime soon.
What to do? Is this relationship still teaching you something, so can be worked on? Or is it no longer serving and so should be stepped away from?
Here're two reasons why it may be hard to decide what to do.
1) Fear.
Looking back at some older relationships, I knew when the relationship was over, but I had a pattern of dragging it on, because I was scared of being alone, I was scared of taking responsibility for bringing it to an end, I was scared…. I made up many reasons why not now, but deep down there was a knowing that it was just a matter of time.
So if there’s a lack of clarity as to whether the relationship has served its purpose or worth fighting for, chances are there’re some fears which obscure your vision.
Why is it dangerous to have clarity? What’s the worst that could happen?
The truth can be inconvenient. Sometimes, it’s easier not to know.
2) Inner conflict
Another difficulty in getting clarity is that you might have many different responses to the situation. One part may still love your partner and want to save your relationship; another part may feel exhausted and fed up; third part may worry about your children’s future and the impact your separation may have on them; fourth part may feel comfortable with the status quo; fifth part may be completely shut down and numb; sixth part is your younger self who made a vow that your children would always have a dad, unlike her….
Which voice do you listen to? Which part wins?
Net effect? The answer boils down to ‘I don’t know’. You then feel conflicted and confused, unable to make a decision.
The things is those are just parts of you; these voices are not who you are.
The one who notices all these voices knows best, but it can be hard to connect with that clarity if the parts are noisy and competing for your attention.
P.S. If you want clarity around the future of your relationship, I can . You'll heal many of these stories, voices and themes and be able to make an empowered decision about your future.