Why some people attract narcissists?

Let’s start by exploring what is narcissism?

I don't have a dictionary definition, but to me it's a person who is not capable of empathy. They're totally self-centered, it’s all about them. And they're not able to give love or attention to others; they’re not able to see you; they're not able to connect with you. It's all about what they want, and nobody else matters.

Now, first of all, if someone acts like this, I'd say there's a massive trauma which have created this survival strategy, although that’s not a justification, of course.

Why some people attract narcissists?

This may not feel comfortable to hear, but if this is you, something in you responded to that person. Perhaps, you want to be in service, and you just give-give-give. It’s easy then to attract somebody who will just take take-take-take, without ever giving anything back. Maybe you were brought up by a parent who had similar tendencies, so this dynamic feels familiar, even if not comfortable.

For a while, you might feel rewarded by somebody taking what you give, because to you it may mean ‘They love me. I’m useful, even indispensable.’

But after a while, this behaviour becomes unsustainable. You may find that you’ve been running on empty for a while and there’s nothing left to give, because you haven’t replenished yourself.

To an extent, we co-create these relationship dynamics. To me, they’re an invitation to do your own healing, to attend to a part which feels so worthless that unless she gives all she’s got, no one would spare her any attention.

If you think that your relationship exists to give you love, think again. In my view, relationships are there to teach you how to love. Some people are lucky and get love in the process, but very often, you attract a partner who could teach you something about yourself.

For example, if you give a lot in life and don’t know how to receive, a relationship with a narcissist is likely to highlight this imbalance until you learn to value yourself. When you feel worthy in your own right, without giving anything to be loved, you’ll stop attracting such relationships.

 P.S. This is one of the dynamics we explore in my 12-week course which starts on 25 April at 1:30-3:00pm U.K. time.

You've got till Monday 11 April to take advantage of all the bonuses and discounts - drop me a line if you’re interested.